Friday, March 18, 2005

Stagnancy is Not My Friend

When I was in high school I dated a guy who constantly referred back to the past with a nostalgic smile, pondering the fact that things were much simpler then. When I finally had some peace in my post-college life I found myself often thinking with longer of my decision not to pursue a life on the stage, of how much I missed that rush of emotions and the happiness I could only find while acting. When I was first laid off I felt as though I had been given a paid vacation to seek out a job I would enjoy more.
Now, after five months unemployed and only 12 interviews I find I have trouble looking forward into the future. In the those early, fun days of unemployment I was excited - every interview was a possibility for a job I would enjoy and higher pay! Over the months my excitement slowly faded and was replaced by a solid and deep depression. Who was I kidding? I found myself wondering yet again if I would just be better off having gone into acting, except for one thing - I now had a husband to support. Yes, in some strange turn of events that I hadn't;t truly realized until that moment, I had become the head of the household (eep!)
The problem is, although I love acting I am not ready to go backwards, and no matter how many interviews I go to, no matter how positive I am, I still have no job. Without a job I find it difficult to see what our future holds at this point.
What I do know is that stagnancy is not my friend, it begets more stagnancy and that in some cosmic twist this will someday end up having been a good thing. I was stagnant and unhappy in that job, just as I was stagnant and unhappy in unemployment, the difference is that while I was employed I was receiving money for doing that which was making me unhappy, so I was unwilling to leave and find something better. Perhaps now when I do find something I'll be happier not simply because the position will be an improvement, but also because I know myself a little better and this time I believe I will be more likely to recognize the subtle creeping of that stagnancy.

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